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Ramón Larsen

What Female Confidence Does and Does Not Look Like

Ramón Larsen

"VanillaKink:" Why I Keep Pulling Vanilla Girls Anyway

With apologies to myself. This shouldn't be construed to mean that I will want to have vanilla sex with these girls; only that I will probably keep hunting for my partners in non-kinky environments. But why would I do this? Why, when I have scazillions of pages of

Dave Goodman

How George Clooney Upleveled My Multitasking and Added Countless Hours to My Life

I can’t imagine they are still making old-skool, self-important, shittily, choppily, and lazily edited, arcless dreck like this. Like I’m in shock.

Vanilla Sex Redux: Why I May Never Be Fit for Spiritual Society

So, the other night I had the first fully vanilla sex I've had since my kinky awakening so many years ago. It was something I had hoped to avoid, and it was something I knew would be dissatisfying. But for some reason - fatigue? curiosity? - I went

Ramón Larsen

Your Cheap, Shitty Dye Job is a Parabolic Descent into Sexual Oblivion. And You Don't Even Know Why.

If you have gotten this old and still don't get it, then you are 1000x worse than a clueless college nerd. Your cluelessness doesn't just reflect present-day gamelessness. She can easily fill in the blanks and retroactively realize that you never had it in the first place.

Roger Bloom

The Glorious Paradox of Astrological Morality in the Never-Ending Tumbling Forward of Human Life

Sag dreams of actually doing the things he talks about, but Capricorn does them. Capricorn dreams of release from the aloneness that doing entails, and Aquarius realizes it. And so on and so on through the signs.

Dave Goodman

Bella Ciao and the Camaraderie of Plunder

It is such a powerful anthem, that it almost makes me want to leave my studies, take up the rifle and join a Bernie Sanders rally. The interspersed singing and dancing scenes strike just the right balance between American stoicism and Bollywood inanity.

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Featured

Satisfying the Bottomless Maw of Her Sexual Appetite: A Primer for Busy Boys (and Older Men)

Dave Goodman

Dear Yoga Teachers: Shut The Fuck Up and Just Count Down The Poses

Your neurotic chatter is not our enlightenment. What we need from you is not endless distractions, we need from you a structure from which we can sink into whatever our bodies need from each pose in each moment.

Dave Goodman Featured

Why I Will Never Forget What I Heard in the Last Lonesome Cowboy Town In America

I couldn’t help but think that I was in the presence of greatness, the spirit of St Cecilia in one of her many disguises, crying her way into the night along the streets of a never-has-been western town for no one to hear.

Ramón Larsen Featured

The Secret To Keeping Her Heart Is Right Where You Left It

Because when she has nothing left to surrender to you, she is as vulnerable as she could ever be. And if she fears your callous coolness will break her very being, she will kill her own love for you to save her soul.

Dave Goodman

Do Your Probies Pass The Fart Test?

Seconds later, I sounded like a buzzsaw with Tourette’s. The farting was instant and uncontrollable. As soon as the little varmints hit my intestines, the byproduct of their High Noon Face Off were quickly spattered against the plexiglass tombstone to their violent demise.

Ramón Larsen

Fat Chicks in Daisy Dukes is Why Pickup Failed

Modern, unattractive women have invested in sending “I am hot” signals, while the reality of their be-dimpled fatness screams impotently otherwise. But your brain was fooled. Your boner fought back against what your gaze was telling you, and your boner lost.

Roger Bloom Featured

Corona Virus and The Pleasures of Mass Delusion

Being caught up in a mass delusion is only fun if you actually *believe* “we’re all gonna die,” or “Judgment is at hand,” or whatever else has got your panties in a wad. Lemmings only go over the cliff because “everyone else is doing it,” not because it was part of a well thought out plan.

Ramón Larsen Featured

Premature Ejaculation and The Seemingly Unending Downsides of Masturbation

The momma’s boy of the animal world signals all the wrong things to horny females. He is safe, tamed, and incapable of siring, much less raising, sons who would survive the vicissitudes of life without their hot cocoa, snuggle, and someone to tuck them in at night.

Dave Goodman

If You Love Someone. . .Send Them Your Email

You are the brick in the nascent fortress that protects our hearts and, yes, our livelihoods, from the slings of misfortune that hit our gentle souls harder than most. It is the smallest gift and the unlikeliest token of love you can offer someone who has given you a glimpse into...

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Roger Bloom

Myers-Briggs is Thin Gruel. Here's What You Should Look At Instead.

Ramón Larsen Featured

Women are wired to control you. But they’re only happy if they can’t.

In this game, when she wins, she loses, and when she loses, she wins bigger. Give her the victory of losing over and over again to your unyielding defiance, your arrogance in the face of her ploys, and your burning to the ground of any last chance she has of conquering you with her tricks.

Dave Goodman Featured

How To Get Skinny Eating Pancakes

Bar-b-q soup would be my ticket to immortality, having freed the masses from their slavish addiction to chewing and suffering through boring tasting meat. . .a hero amongst the people. Ahhhh. . .the road not taken

Ramón Larsen Featured

You Don't "Love Women" As Much As You Think You Do

...when you show her your genuine, throbbing, boner for her wicked side, she will open her heart to you in a manner that would shame into fiery oblivion the saccharine love for her you have proffered (and she has endured) for so long thinking it was sugar.

Roger Bloom

"I Don't Believe in Astrology." Of Course Not.

Vague generalities prove that astrology is BS. True. If that were all there was to astrology. But there’s much, much more to it than that. . .

Ramón Larsen

The Reason You Can't Get Girls is Because Your Mommy Wants To Keep You For Herself

The ills of single mommery go well beyond “not having a male role model.” Because single mommies the world over are one thing and one thing above all else: lonely.

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Roger Bloom

Why Retrograde Mercury is Your Best Friend and You Resist It At Your Peril

Dave Goodman Featured

The Boy And The Blob: Gay Sorcery and The Capture of The Ultimate Prize

In catching my gaze, he did not even try to conceal what was not a devilish, but rather a purely evil grin, which, along with a knowing head nod, said unmistakably: “Yeah, I’m tapping that.”

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Roger Bloom

Fate and Transcendence: Why Astrology Scares the Hell Out of You (And Why It Shouldn't)