How To Achieve Total Relationship Security for Women

OMG I can't believe you even clicked on this. Did you really think there was a way to achieve total relationship security if you are a woman?

Unless you're deep, deep into necrophelia and have an unlimited supply of formaldehyde at the ready, you will never achieve anything close to total relationship security in this lifetime.

But did I just come here to clickbait you?

Of course not.

Because there IS a way you can come as close as possible to sustained relationship security in this lifetime, and that is by eschewing it entirely. By being present in your relationship, fully present, you have the chance at the "eternity in the moment" to sustain for as long as you wish it to, provided your partner is willing to do the same.

And that's the last wishy washy new age jargon I'll use in this article.

Well, almost.

Because the other thing you'll need to learn to do is to flow, to flow with a relationship dynamic that is constantly in motion, yet completely stable. In fact it is the seeking of stability for women that drives it away (by the way: same for men). When the woman can calm her fears (and these are her DEEPEST fears), she can give into a relationship that will inevitably change. And in embracing the change - consciously - it has the best chance of being permanent.

There is an old Indian expression (or so they say) that goes, "You can't step in the same river twice." Not bad as far as hippie wisdom goes. The river is the same, but the water and the fish and the sand at the bottom are always moving. In order for it to be the same river, it has to change.

And without going too far afield here, it is the same reason capitalism is the ONLY sustainable economic system. I know I know. . .the bees and the polar bears and the Ohio River Fire. But I promise you that unless you are vigorously shaking your head in agreement with the first sentence in this paragraph, you don't have any idea what capitalism really is. Don't worry, you're in very good company. See, we're already pretty far afield. . .

But it's worth it, because what I mean by capitalism being sustainable is this: businesses get formed and go under all the time, all day, every day. There is a natural death and rebirth in free markets, what the other Indians call Kali, and the capitalists call Creative Destruction. Something dies in order for something to be reborn in a constant flow that goes on - wait for it - forever.

That is the permanence, the sustainability of capitalism because it embraces change. It embraces flow, and as much as possible it staves off the delusions of "permanence."

Capitalism is the permanent river that you never step in twice.

People whose lives suck financially do not understand this. They believe in old fashioned permanence where you lock something down until you die. But you don't really die, you kill yourself with backed up change that you don't allow to move through you. So you block off the most powerful energy in the world - Kali - and it kills you from within.

The same is true for people whose loves suck. They think they can tie down change with a bouquet of flowers, a cover band, and a giant cake. Not gonna happen.

But there is good news here, people, becaue people who master money, once they do, place themselves in an endless flow of it by working counterintuitively against their fear-based, batten-down-the-hatches mentality.

They trust, they flow, they let go. And in doing so, they become more powerful than any fixed system of anything could ever be.

Water wins.

"Life is water, not stone," as the Romans probably said. Water created the Grand Canyon. Imagine what it could do for you?

And how do you get water in a relationship? Something that can ebb and flow up and down and conquer any obstacle in its path?

You embrace Dynamics.

You embrace the D/s flow where the deeper the surrender you allow, the greater heights of leadership your man will swell to. You trust that as you go down (heh), we will go up. And you trust that as you allow him to leave (and he may for a minute) you have the best chance of him staying overall. (For him, the more he defies your power plays, the greater your chance of staying as well).

Another diversion and a bit of homework:

Go do Acro Yoga for an afternoon or two.

Back when I had a Texas sized body, I played with Acro a little. Usually I was the base, the guy lying on his back and staring up the girl's shirt. But occasionally I found someone I could fly with. And it was amazing.

What was amazing about it, in the exactly 14 seconds before we both came crashing to the ground risking grave injury by the not quite Texas sized enough padding on the floor, was that working with a partner created a perfect mirror image of my intentions.

In the second I felt myself out of balance or falling, my normal instinct to rebalance would kick in. But in that exact same moment where I would reach one way, my partner pushed me the other way and regained my balance for me.

It was incredible -as if every inch of me was coated in a living oil that would ying to my yang instantaneously and intuitively. It felt where I was off balance and corrected it faster than I could myself. It was the perfect holistic experience where the self and the other, the thing and the opposite, were truly one.

Well, that guy is still in the hospital, so I haven't done much flying since. But the memory always stayed with me.

Another memory that always stayed with me was during my many moons in the Southwest, driving along dingy 2 lane highways at very high speeds and with highly imperfect paving.

In many cases, some inconsiderate and likely drunk Indian (the river kind) would be driving the opposite direction at high speed and would creep over across the centerline into my lane.

Given the Indian Reservation budgets didn't usually include anything for shoulders or even a painted line before you fell off into oblivion, this kind of encroachment was a real safety hazard.

The instinctive thing for most people when you're being faced with a massive collision is to slink off into the empty zone away from the threat. But this was as sure of a death as anything else on these crappy country roads.

However what DOES work (Disclaimer: do at your own risk) is to do Acro Yoga in reverse. When Pancho's tires start creeping over the line and threatening to spin you out, you encroach right back. Set your wheel in his lane, and if he's not passed out at the wheel, he will straighten out REAL QUICK.

He will ying to your yang just the same, because in a holistic universe, both sides of any polarity are secretly connected. So when you pull away, you only draw him in more. When you match him, he responds in kind and recalibrates.

(By the way, once he does, you should pull back into your lane to restore balance to The Force.)

This kind of thing actually happens all the time on the road in subtler ways. No one out there really wants to get killed. People aren't as oblivious to you as you might want them to be.

So even though you think you're in a bubble of advanced Driver's Ed Defensive Driving, in reality, everyone else is more or less trying to do the same thing. They're as much aware of your potentially (or actual) stupid behavior as you are of theirs. There is a network effect of self and other that actually keeps an amazing amount of safety in place for everyone going at those insanely high speeds with tons of steel all around them. It's just that this field of connection, like most real things, is actually invisible

The lesson here (even though I think I mangled the two lane highway analogy a bit) is that none of us are islands - especially in relationship. And ESPECIALLY in an intentional D/s relationship. If you get scared and contract, then you are completely ignoring the other half of your whole. And his reactions will be unpredictable because you are no longer relating to him - so he will clench up too and do whatever he needs to to regain his footing (including leaving you).

The desire to control or tie down your partner is a disconnected, unrelated, solipsistic lie. It is an ego play divorced (eventually literally) from the complementary connection and needs of your counterpart. You are making unilateral decisions for something that is inherently bilateral. This is why "locking him down" never works and brings nothing but misery as the wages of your (very) temporary fear assuasion.

Instead, when you are flowing with your partner, you can sink past your fears and let him "Acro" them. Let him fill in the gaps where your fears live without you having to clench them off from him into your own private cyst. Let him swell to support you in invisible, magical ways just like in my first Acro Flying sensation.

There really is - and if you haven't seen the clip here it is:

a leap of faith sensation in this, when we move past our fears and allow the Indiana Jones path to materialize beneath our feet. And when you do, when this happens, your life becomes 4-dimensional, maybe for the first time. You see the connection, what Christians (I think) call the Holy Spirit that is the invisible glue that binds us together and allows that magic complementarity to live and breathe in real time.

And then people, finally, you are in life. You are in flow with another human being. You choose deepening trust, you choose deepening connection, not only because it feels so good, but because it brings you closer to God, to the oneness beyond the fears that isolate you and, yes, lie to you to convince you you are an atomized, disconnected unit. When you are in a proper D/s flow, you are not.

Now no one said that flow will always bring you the Disney movie you had planned for. Disney movies are great because they end before all the good stuff actually starts. But real sexual dynamics continue for decades beyond the credits roll, if you will let them.

Like the permanence of capitalism, some restaurants may close, some neighborhoods may get bulldozed, some computer programmers may get replaced by ChatGPT. True. But in their ashes, will inevitably grow something greater. The river keeps flowing with fresh water.

And if you are someone well versed in flowing and adapting, you will be ready, you will relish the journey into something new, and most importantly, you will appreciate every moment with so much more delight because you know how transient it all is. This is a good life lesson, but it is also a good sex lesson. Once you are flowing with your partner, you will be twice as equipped to manage these twists and turns of life both externally and the life you are creating with him at the same time.

But the first thing is to soften that fear. Because when you are trying to generate Total Relationship Security, or whatever I called this article, you short circuit this entire operation. You disconnect from your opposite, you disconnect from yourself, and you disconnect from God via the Holy Spirit of your authentic sexual dynamic. Trusting your partner to express his full maleness, with all the real risks that implies, is that Indiana step into the canyon. The magic happens when you let go, you see the path unfolding, you feel that "base" holding you up just as you are about to fall, and you feel his heart deepening in authentic desire to protect you, to cherish you, and to love you. . .maybe even forever.

In perfect D/s dynamics, you give him what he wants (and he, you), because as you deepen into that surrender, you realize that that is what you want. And along the way he will discover the same thing.

These are the "mechanics" of love, that in the deepening of love, the desire of the other becomes your desire, which is what allows this dynamic to continue indefinitely. The "interests," as we say in capitalism are aligned in that the desire for the other's desires becomes our deepest desire. And a bond like that does not break easily.

(NB: This is why capitalism works as well, because the raison d'etre of the market is to make the desires of others our desires, i.e. "to give the customer what he wants." When service to the other becomes our primary focus, our own riches become almost a foregone conclusion. In the embrace of the other, we ourselves are fulfilled.)

There are no guarantees in life (which is also what makes it so precious), and you 100% have to do this with a Man who is strong enough to allay his own fears and has worked his end of this same see-saw. 100%.

But when he finds you, will you be ready? Will you have prepared your trust, your assessments of his worthiness of that trust, but without the Cosmo and Avo Toast cynicism of your bitter sistren? Will you leave a corner of your heart open to feeling the bliss of sexual surrender to a man worthy of it, to trust his heart is that oncoming driver, that gifted yogi, who will meet you in the space you create for him?

In capitalism we talk a lot about risk/reward. How much fear will you endure for how big a prize? And without a doubt, true love in a true Dynamic, is the biggest prize there is. You can prepare, you can maybe hedge a little bit, but in the end you have to go over the cliff in your barrel and pass through the crucible into a trust in the universe that can not be taught, but can only be earned, earned by the fearlessness in your heart to seize the love that is your completion in God and the entire Created universe.

Few will capture it in this life. Many will grasp at rainbows to "transcend" their fears and innate bestiality to find it. And their hands will pass right through the rainbows and their bodies fall to earth like so many overweight yogic flyers.

But if you go the other way, deep, into the underworld and into the depths of the laws of love, you will see that other marriage, that other duality, that other union with the darkness and the sublime. When you move downwards into the pits of your own desires, you will be as close to divine light as you could ever be until it flips and you suddenly break through to become one with everything because you have finally embraced everything.

And that is where love lies. Deeper and truer than anything you could live on the earth and stars alone.

This is the path. This is the journey. This is the risk that love demands for her to open her flower to you. Nothing is scarier, nothing is more sacred, nothing is more truly dangerous. And the prize is nothing, nothing at all. . .but everything.