Kinky Kissing Cousins: The Bible and BDSM

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.  Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; [. . .]  So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. [. . .] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” 

- Ephesians 5:22-33 King James Version

Whoa boy.  

This (for some reason) famous passage in the New Testament has always filled me with mirth.  There are more triggers in here than a Smith & Wesson Factory and twice as spicy.  But once the recoil has passed, there is much to unpack.  So let’s get to it.

But first, a couple memories from my childhood: 

“BBC, 123”- Jackson Five

When I was in 3rd Grade, one of my classmates found a porno magazine lying in the street.  To be clear, this was MANY years before the internet and very nearly before the age of home video.  So this glossy treasure, recovered from the snow strewn streets of Manhattan by an intrepid but sadly nameless classmate, was a priceless discovery.  

It made the rounds *quickly* amongst the class, who, pre-pubescent or not, knew exactly what they had gotten their hands on.  

But little did we know, there was a narc among us who squealed to what I now realize were our two lesbian homeroom teachers.  An emergency (Emergency!!) meeting was called to stanch the bleeding of our now hemorrhaging innocence.  

The record must be set straight!  The pre-toxicity of our unborn semen must be contained before we all turned into the monsters and mongrels that our abrasively progressive school marms had chosen this very profession explicitly to stamp out.  Intervene at all costs!

I don’t remember much about the content of the scolding.  The damage had already been done, after all.  We could not unsee what we had seen or unsense what we had sensed in our miniature nether regions, so sort of what was the point?  

What I do remember from the protracted assembly was a disquisition by one of the lesbians on the length and size of male genitalia.  More specifically the male genitalia of what we now call “African-Americans,” i.e. the size of Black Cock.  

And though I have no other memories of the experience that day, to this day, I remember word for word what the teacher had to say to our extremely typical prep school demographic, which had but the merest perfunctory sprinkling of black cock among it:

“Just because black men have larger penises than white people, does not mean that black men have larger penises than white people.”

And, there you have it.

“Ceci, ce n’est pas un BBC.” 

And in that very moment, the specter of George Orwell appeared before me like Hamlet’s ghost, “Revenge this foul and most unnatural statistic!” it cried from the murky depths.  

And I took the great scribe’s message to heart and deliver it to you now in an attempt, lo these many years hence, to single out this strange doublespeak and heal my tormented mind. 

“Just because black men have bigger dicks does not mean that black men have bigger dicks.”

Got it.  I should have just dropped out then and there and started working on the docks. 

The truth is what we say it is, no matter what it actually is, and especially not what you *think* it actually is.  Get it?

“Goyim Creep”

Some twenty years later, I returned to synagogue after a long and deliberate hiatus.  

When people ask me if I’m Jewish, I usually just tell them, “Yes, but I’m retired.”

But my uncle had passed, and the family was all going to services, so I donned a borrowed, crinkly kippah and paid my respects.  

Bored as I was by the service, I started flipping through the guidebook they had at the tiny synagogue in rural Vermont.  There, it quoted passages from the Torah and gave little explanations and commentary in the margins. 

I came across a passage that described the joy the ancient Israelites felt stamping and dancing on the graves of their enemies.  The passage unambiguously signaled a revelry of spirit and triumph that was cause for jubilation and delight at the defeat - and now post-mortem desecration- of those who had done them wrong.  

The commentary on the side was also something I will never forget: 

“Modern sensibilities do not permit the celebration of the deaths of other people, even of our enemies.”

In that moment, a big, black phallus passed in front of my eyes like a warning from the beyond.  

What the fuck were they talking about?  It wasn’t a “modern sensibility” that abjured celebrating the death of your enemies.  It was a CHRISTIAN sensibility!

The whole POINT of being a Jew (or any other tribal sect) is that you’re either in or you're out.  And if you’re out, you damn well better expect us to dance on your graves you fucking heathens!! Every tribe and every civilization in history adopts this view as basic.  EXCEPT Christians.  

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.” - Galatians 3:28

There is no “Ye are all one in Christ Jesus” in Judaism.  Sorry, there’s just not.  We’re chosen and you’re not, so watch your back, and by the way feel free to return the compliment, Everyone-Else-on-Earth.  And they do.  

That’s the setup.  

“Loving your enemies” is a uniquely Christian conceit.  It is one of the key differentiators between Judaism and Christianity, that one seeks and pursues a messianic unification amongst all the people of the globe, and the other does not (Counterarguments that we are all one in PornHub will be entertained after the seminar.). 

“Turn the other cheek” becomes “I’ll burn down your whole village” in the tribal lexicon, here, there, and everywhere.  If you’re Jewish and don’t like it, you’re in the wrong house of God.  

My fear, of course, is that the interpretation in the little self-published Torah cheat sheet, was that the impulse was actually more communist than Christian, even if the Marxist, atheistic, philosophic “development” was simply a derivative of Christian spiritual unity to matters of the purse.  There would have been no communism without Christianity loosening up the ketchup bottle.  

But either way, the Tribal leaders had lost the plot here.  If we’re going to hew to being Jews but adopt a Christian worldview, what in the end makes us Jewish?  Perhaps Mister Orwell could explain it to us.  

“Be Kinky and Multiply”  

Wives, follow the lead of your husbands as you follow the Lord. The husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. The church is Christ’s body. He is its Savior. The church follows the lead of Christ. In the same way, wives should follow the lead of their husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives. Love them just as Christ loved the church. He gave himself up for her. [. . .]  In the same way, husbands should love their wives. They should love them as they love their own bodies. Any man who loves his wife loves himself. [. . .] A husband also must love his wife. He must love her just as he loves himself. And a wife must respect her husband.

- Ephesians 5:22-33 New International Readers Version (1998)

Now in the modern world, the celebrated & reviled passage from Ephesians has been thrashed and flogged (and not in the fun way) into conformism with current feminist, egalitarian dogma.  Twisted, upended, “interpreted,” re-translated (New and Improved!), and even censored; modern, defanged Christians are doing everything in their power to rid these words of theirs.  

And who knows?  Maybe they will succeed.  

But as always, here come Bondage and Torture riding tandem (and a little too tandem) upon their Silvery Steed to the rescue.  They will deliver just the kind of fringe sexual truths that mainstream, censorious pervs (like boring ol’ “queerfolk”) can not argue with.  Because in the tribe of sexual politics, anyone who wants to harsh your sexual buzz for any reason constitutes The New Goyim Heretics, and you better believe the deviant crowd would be more than happy to dance on their graves. 

And what are these truths?  The truth is that Paul basically nails it in that quote.  

Except with one little problem.  

If the man is fucking his wife properly, she doesn’t require any directive to do any of this stuff.  And she will WILLINGLY submit to her husband if he is man enough to take her.  

Paul is imploring the housebroken Christians to mimic the ways of the natural man.  It is close, but it is very far away.  

The natural man, the kinky man, does not need to be told where to put it and how many times.  That is what makes him dominant in the first place.

And the problem, of course, is that most men will absolutely not fuck their women properly.  And in the world of the natural man, most men will never fuck a woman at all.  Because the world of the natural man also houses the natural woman.  And her standards are stiffer than the unrequited boners of those losers she snubs.  

In that natural world, we get the household of Jacob with a dozen squaws to his single, grand cock (well done, bruh), and in that same world, for every Jacob, there are 11 lonely Canaanites wanking it to PornHub each night after goat sacrifice (and hopefully that was the only felony committed on those goats by the 11 incels).  

By my math, that leaves a lot of frustrated hombres, who would likely cause a lot of trouble in the land.  

And in fact, it was that self same trouble that Judaism proper, and later Christianity, were built to fix.  

By “guaranteeing” every man a bride, even the losers who would otherwise die off in oblivion, the faithful were incentivized to pull their weight and contribute - sometimes spectacularly - to the success of the tribe.  If only the top tier Jacobs are getting pussy, you’re going to have a lot of hangers on in the doldrums sucking the societal teat way more than they are filling it.

So perhaps it is to these first-generation, clueless “nouveau-pussy-riche” bridegrooms that Paul lends his directive.  Like a Biblical Prequel to the Modern Day Pick-Up Artist Coach, Paul is teaching men how to nut up and pretend to give his wife the goods she would get otherwise in a state of nature from Pimp Master Jacob.  

And in that state of nature, at least in my experience, when a woman receives proper domination to unfurl her tenderest of loves, the male motivation to protect, cherish, and adore in perfect complementarity is instant and unambiguous.  The romantic love we read about when we are young dreamers is alive and well in the embrace of kinky couples, passions unfurled and revealed in all their marvelous glory: to protect on one hand and to serve on the other.  

The natural man understands this in his scrotum.  The natural woman in her ovaries.  It is Fact, It is Law.  

And Paul is espousing that law, but he is espousing it to people who don’t seem to get it.  Why would you have to write a Bible passage telling the river to flow downstream or the sun to shine?  It is simply so. 

And that is my sense from this passage: That in truth, it is superfluous to the inclinations of man and requires no “religious” adjustment of man’s nature towards good and away from sin.  The sin IS the good at this most fundamental level, when allowed to exist as nature intended.  

The religious “adjustment” (i.e. the repression) of human nature is intended to democratize the access to pussy, thus requiring the education of men who would die virgins in any other situation but for the intervention of post-Jacobian Judeo-Christian egalitarian codification of human love.  

At least that’s how I see it.  

I often imagine the solution to the West’s implosion to be the revivification of natural sexual polarity amongst American Christian families, trying desperately to hang on to meaningful lives as they face the overwhelming gale of modern relativism and snark.  

But I’m not sure.  

They may have delved too far into their upgraded GoGrrl Christianity to ever come back.  They may just have to go all the way through the swamp like the rest of us to come out baptized and reborn as semi-functional natural men.  We’ll see.  

“Just because a man can’t fuck right, doesn’t mean he can’t fuck right,” as my 3rd grade never-would-have-known lesbian teachers might have put it.  

Right.

It has been easier than one would have suspected to air brush (sometimes literally) the plain reading of these texts into something palatable to “modern sensibilities,” which also may in fact also be more communist than Christian as well. . .