Uptight, Repressed, Bible-Thumping Christians Know More About Sex Than You Do

You heard that right. They do!

Maybe they’ve never fucked other than to procreate, maybe they’ve never gotten past missionary, maybe they think the back door is Satan’s playground. But. . . .beneath these superficial constraints, they *get it.*

Ok, Ramón, you’ve lost your marbles today. How can old time religion, hell and brimstone religious folks know anything about sex? They’ve only had sex with one person, and it probably sucked! How the fuck would they know ANYTHING about sex??

Well, did you really think I’d leave you hanging like this? Bear with me, gentle reader, and hear the truth in my words.

All of the religious strictures against sex - and there are a LOT of them in a LOT of religions - come from a place of fear.

Modern, enlightened people have done their damndest to transcend that fear, to liberate their sexuality, and to indulge its full expression for their own personal and spiritual fulfillment. I’ve done it too, and I’m glad I did.

But the mistake all of us enlightened people have made is that we left behind that fear. We’ve enlightened ourselves past the point where we have forgotten a core tenet of life:

Sex is risky.

Sex is scary.

Sex is dangerous.

And it’s supposed to be.

People kill and die for sex. Many people die 9 months after sex. Heck, some people even die DURING sex - and plenty of animals do as well.

And in that same animal world, males frequently get EATEN after sex (in the human world, we delay that a few years until after the kids can walk and the divorce papers are filed).

And it’s not just the act of sex the is dangerous, but it’s what people do to get sex that is dangerous.

Our natural sexual impulses require insane mating rituals to prove our sexual worth to the opposite sex. Male animals - like male teenagers (but I repeat myself)- engage in massively dangerous and "stoopid" behaviors to win the eye of a beautiful female. Fighting, extreme stunts, taking insane risks, climbing up the corporate hierarchies of local street gangs. . . men do all kinds of things to GET sex that are a danger to themselves and to society overall.

And women, besides their own moms, will not try to stop them. On the contrary, they LOVE it. The performative competition for their attention is one of the greatest thrills in women’s lives.

“Let the men duke it out to the death, and whoever is left standing gets me. Let the games begin!” In this world, there would not be many middle-managers left over to run the sewage plants and convenience stores.

And while men may steal their best friend’s girl to get sex, women will do far worse to each other. The competition for desirable mates amongst women is ruthless and many times more violent between the hos than the bros.

All is fair in love and war, and the things women do to each other - the back biting, the ostracizing, the face scratching - to ensure their access to top shelf seed are often hidden but brazenly destructive to themselves, each other, and any kind of social cohesion.

Jealousy, spite, revenge are the handmaidens of sexual selection. We do terrible, terrible things in service of getting what we want.

So what we do to get sex is terrible and something we should all be afraid of. There is nowhere to hide from the impulses, except the acceptance of sexlessness, which no living being can really stomach and, when they have given up on life’s primary directive, may lead to even more dangers to society or to themselves.

And beyond this, there is the danger of the turn-ons themselves. Asphyxiation, battery, strangulation. . .these are all aspects of our unleashed sexuality. And they are not safe.

Even despite ourselves - and the strong safety culture within - there are still regular annual deaths from bondage and edge play throughout the world. When we get past the repression to our core sexual needs, we are out of control and very, very dangerous. And the draw to danger is inexorable and powerful, as at the same time, the most dangerous sex is the hottest sex we will ever have. Nature has a wicked sense of humor like that.

And then there is the after sex part. Do people kill over jealousy of their sexual partners? You betcha! Do people commit suicide over sexual rejection? Hells ya! Do people give up their fortunes, destroy their families, flush their reputations and debase themselves for little bit of nookie? Every single fucking day.

There is a bizarre and sadly flaccid “college culture” of sex that seems to espouse “It’s just sex! Don’t be so repressed!” These kids have something to learn from the corner preacher, because they are having terrible sex.

The kind of sex most of them have is so tepid it can barely be called sex. Kink people call it “slap & giggle,” and it is anodyne beyond belief and entirely unserious. But even so, once the passions are awakened, the rules of nature can quickly take over - and a drunken college affair can turn into an obsessive rage very quickly. And the post-sex consequences can take many others down with it.

The emotions awakened by sex are powerful, dangerous, and scary. That’s why we like them! We have all felt them, and they have pushed many otherwise good people over the edge, into madness, murder, and beyond.

So people kill and die before sex, during sex, and after sex.

Maybe a little fear of sex isn’t so uptight after all? Those Ned Flanders Religious types are actually *closer* to their sex than the “liberated” college sophomore, because they can still feel the deserved fear of their baser desires and have not waved it away with a Cosmo rag and a revised sexual harassment policy.

And because of this righteous fear, you’d think that the uptight religious folk would welcome masturbation as the antidote to the overwhelming destructive potential of sexuality.

But no. And there is wisdom even there - and balance. Because while “taking the edge off” of our desires cools us off from the worst expressions of our sexuality, on the other side it also obliterates our will.

Destructive sexuality is a fierce threat to society, but so is lifeless indolence.

In recent decades, more and more attention has been drawn to the destructive effects of porn. Not in a moral sense, but in a practical sense. Self-esteem destruction, productivity destruction, ambition destruction, erectile dysfunction from impotence to premature ejaculation to delayed ejaculation. . .these are all defeats to mankind (and womankind as well) for even in a “proper” uptight sexual container like marriage, these effects can rot away at the core of Christian Love all the same. Recovering porn addicts rue the day they ever started, and I think all of us who live past 40 wish they could stuff every drop of wasted semen back into their nuts to gain half of the vim they had as teenagers. What a waste. Why didn’t anyone tell us?

Well, the uptight, repressed, bible-thumping Christians did. They just said it dogmatically and without experience, encased in condescending, hypocritical, moralistic language- but they sure as fuck said it.

So now, we are cumming full circle. We have experiential proof that they were right about jacking off, even if their messaging was so imperfect that it forced an entire reactionary masturbation addled culture to emerge to overcome the ill will their moralizing engendered.

But here we are.

Impotent and weak.

Bored and ambitionless.

Tame.

We have lost touch with the dangers of sex by skimming the scum off at every available interval.

But we have also lied to ourselves about the power of sex.

The Christians strove to break the horse of our sexual spirit because most can not ride it without being bucked into oblivion. The despondency of those who are sexually rejected, the rage of those who are sexually betrayed, the wildness of those who are sexually desirous, the violence of those who are sexually fulfilled, the limpness of those who are sexually self-satisfied. . .these are the pillars of decay in a functional society, even if they are the True Law of the wild.

Sexless, boring, tight-assed, judgy, superstitious, dogmatic Christians are terrified of sex.

And you should be too.