Your Cheap, Shitty Dye Job is a Parabolic Descent into Sexual Oblivion. And You Don't Even Know Why.

Before we get started, let me be clear: A dye job is not a bad idea, depending on what you are going for. If you're ready to slouch into full on provider mode for aged-out beauties, the silver cut is actually very much on brand.

You have tamed the (allegedly) wild stallions of your youthful sexuality and represent comfort, security, and wisdom. These are "wildly" attractive traits to a certain kind of resigned female, whose last licks, as it were, of studly seduction are safely in the rear view mirror, with companionship and stability the last remaining blips of arousal she has to look forward to on the slowly fogging up windshield of Christmas Future.

So don't change a thing, you Silver Smoothie. Leave the L'Oréal at the counter and just focus on nose hair trimmers. You will win her heart and undying affection with a simple tweeze or two.

But for those of you with a little more gas in the tank, looking to at least catch the eyes of more ravishing beauties with what's left of your flowing mane, your feeble attempts at youthfulness are backfiring harder than your clumsy come-ons.

Now as one mentor wisely suggests, for older men, you don't actually need to look young. You just need to look better (or younger) than 80% of the men your age.

That's not bad advice as far as it goes. And it's also EASILY attainable as most men past 30 are so pharma'd, sugared, and estrogened up that they can barely pop a woody on their best of days.

But it still must be done. And dyeing your grey properly has a pretty excellent ROI for recapturing your youthful (impression of) vitality and placing yourself on the right side of Pareto's razor in your age bracket.

But wait a second, because I just screwed the pooch.

The men who opt for the $5 Walgreens dye job are all about the ROI. That's why they didn't spring for the professional colorist and just bought the cheapest option they could find. "It was even on sale, so I saved an extra dollar!"

More than the obviously fake aesthetic of these dye jobs (especially when sitting side by side with the Paleozoic topography of your forehead, your jowly mien, and the ringing fluorescence of your glaring white roots you were too disinterested to attend to), women are reading the sub-communications of your priorities, and they're not liking what they see.

First of all, you are cheap.

Either you are broke, or you may as well be if you won't spend money on yourself. Because that means you definitely won't spend money on her, and that's the whole point of money anyway (at least when you're young and hot), and maybe even the point of you. Broke can be hot if you are young and hot also, but right now you are neither, so don't step into that pile of shit and pretend it's shoe polish.

And while being cheap alone will put you out of the running right away, you come to me for the deeper wisdom, so here it is:

You are advertising that you don't really understand beauty and therefore don't really understand women.

Because if you understood beauty, you would understand that actuarial ROI is exactly the least important thing in the world when it comes to looking good. There is no price too high to pay for beauty, and if she is going to be the candy on your arm, then you are going to be the one paying that price.

And if you were a man who understood women, you would do so without any hesitation because you understand HER and you understand how crucial her radiant beauty is to her self-image and to her life.

The $1.68 that the 8% discount you got on your DIY dye is going to cost you a lot more in Porn Hub fees than it did at the checkout counter. And even if she is too ditsy to count, she understands that ROI better than you do.

When you brazenly cut your own corners to save a thimbleful of lucre in a typically left brained, clueless way, you proclaim as loudly as possible that you are not her guy.

You just put numbers before charm, and that means that on top of everything else, you are capital B- BORING.

This may be the most obvious detriment of the bad dye job after being cheap and not understanding women. But in truth, she probably didn't linger on the thought long enough to even contemplate how tedious it would be being around your boring-ass self because it would never cross her mind that she ever would be in the first place.

If you are going for younger lure, you will waste your shot by filling her with revulsion and ridicule - not at your VANITY, which is something she actually DOES understand, but at your own-goal incompetence to actualize it for yourself. You are old enough to know that by now. And if you won't spend the extra effort to make YOURSELF attractive, what could you possibly have to offer HER?

So gentlemen, if you are greying or whitening, while you SHOULD make a color correction there, if you aren't willing to go all in to make it LOOK LIKE YOU CARED, then you are better just letting the grey take over. It won't be as attractive as a nice coloring job, but it will be way, way, way less unattractive, excuse me, ANTI-attractive as your afterthougthtitis to what for her is the central preoccupation of her life.

Take your time, youthen up, fitten up, tighten up, and when you are ready to gild your lillies, do it properly.

Even if no one will confuse you for a 20 year old buck, the thought, care, and yes, money, that you put into making yourself look as good as you can will still be noticed and, especially compared to the rest of the old men who didn't read this article, appreciated.

Now you are something she can work with (and she probably will, though you really should not let her (a discussion for another time)). With just a little bit of care, your oldness instantly transmogrifies into maturity, savviness, and experience. Just like that!

You are infinitely more seductive, because you GET IT in ways that other old men - and most young men - simply don't. You have turned the tables on your oldness, and your erstwhile saggy deficiencies are now your biggest advantage. Bravo, Sage!

But if you are too cheap and too logical (Super "Ew!") to even understand WHY you should, then all the rest of your old timer demerits will compound, shoot to the fore, and stack up on top of each other to dam up whatever nascent juices may have started flowing when she considered giving an "older guy" a chance. You and your weird orange hair will turn invisible to her before you even register in her brain as an option. Guaranteed.

And let's just hammer one more nail into this coffin.

If you have gotten this old and still don't get it, then you are 1000 times worse than a clueless college math nerd, because at least he has the chance to get it in the future.

But your cluelessness today doesn't just reflect present-day gamelessness. She can easily fill in the blanks and retroactively realize that you never had it in the first place. Ouch. You were turned down by thousands of other women over the decades (otherwise at least one of them would have conveyed the importance of this stuff), and so why on earth would she bother reassessing what so many of her sistren had already judged to be worthless?

At this point your oldness becomes your albatross. It tells the complete opposite story of the savvy, mysterious, experienced gentleman with the knowing glint in his eye. It is lameness all the way down to your horndog teenage masturbatory anti-heyday. And it compounds this story of perpetual loserdom into a death spiral that will wither away any prospects you may have had into total oblivion.

So the errant dye job isn't just a one shot mistake. It implies a WORLD of other mistakes that compound its ill effects back through time and completely sinks your ship before it has even left the port.

Ok, that should do it. Deep breaths, old timer.

This one is worth getting right if you want to stay in the fight, even if your only hope is to win a TKO in the 10th round. That is still a noble pursuit.

But, if you're going to give up on yourself as you age, select a woman who has already given up on herself too. There CAN be a functional beauty in dried up oldies who have mutually assured fidelity by their own total lack of sexual vigor.

In truth, the spark never goes out entirely, and likely even more so for her than for your sentimental old self. But you can curtail it and agree to a détente much more easily when your glands don't work so well, and you can live the lives we all imagined our grandparents did when we were kids.

And for some that's good enough.

Besides, with all the money you save on hair dye, just think how many extra adult diapers you could buy!

If you're thinking this way, then you really should save that money. It won't be doing you any favors with the ladies anyway, grandpa.